


Winds Up My Grief

by jesterlady



Category: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Genre: Angst, Crying, Gen, Growing Up, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-26
Updated: 2013-05-26
Packaged: 2017-12-13 00:42:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/817948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesterlady/pseuds/jesterlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After John confronts Jesse he breaks down in front of Cameron and Sarah.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Winds Up My Grief

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own TSCC. The title is by George Herbert

She was holding another bird in her hand. Why they seemed to flock to her he didn’t know. Or maybe she went in search of them. Maybe a wire had gotten loose and she thought they were dangerous to him. She looked at the bird for a very long moment and then held it close to her face and he couldn’t quite hear what she said to it. Then she opened her hands and the bird launched itself into the air. She stared after it quietly, then spoke.

“You’re back.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“But you’re different.” 

He stood behind her silently.

“Tell me how.”

“Your voice range is lower, intonating a husky quality. You are trying to reign in emotions.” She wasn’t even looking at him. “Your face is downcast.”

“Do terminators have eyes in the backs of their heads now?” he asked casually, walking to lean against the railing beside her.

“No, it would not be helpful. We could not use them unless we were all bald. That is not an optimal mode of infiltration.”

“It was a joke, Cameron,” he said and then was quiet for a long time. 

He could feel the difference in himself without needing anyone else to point it out. The minute he’d stepped into that hotel room, he’d known who he was. The confidence was amazing. He wished it would stay this way forever. There had been a few moments where emotions threatened to overwhelm him. When he’d spoken to Derek, he’d felt brief flashes of pain, but mostly he was introspective.

She leaned against the railing, imitating him perfectly. He had to smile. 

“Thank you.” 

Her quiet voice cut through the night air and he turned to look at her.

“For what?”

“You apologized. You said you had doubted me. But you hadn’t.”

“No, I hadn’t. There’s only one thing I know for sure right now and that’s you. Even if you had killed her, I still need you.”

“You’re advancing again,” she said. “Quickly.”

“That’s me,” he said with a wink. “Head of the class.” 

But a gloom was settling over him and his confidence was fading fast.

“I’m sorry. About Riley. About Derek.” 

It was said mechanically enough, but she still said it.

He hadn’t taken her with him on purpose. It wouldn’t have done any good. And Derek had needed the closure, even if he shouldn’t have done whatever it was that he did.

“It’s been another bad day.”

“Your mother is not happy. She yelled about Derek more than me.”

“My mother needs to grow up,” he said harshly. “If she thinks we’re going to win this war by closing ourselves off from those who can help us, she’s wrong. I know all about keeping my emotions in check, about making the hard decisions. But that doesn’t mean stupid ones that you think are for the good, but are too blind to see otherwise.”

“Will you tell her that?”

“I’ll tell everyone that,” he said firmly. “We’re starting over. No more secrets, no more lies, no more responsibility shirking, no more blame, no more crazy, no more.”

“You sound sure of yourself.” 

He turned to look at her and he saw the confidence he was losing in her eyes.

“I’m John Connor.” 

“You are.”

“I have a machine from the future. A girl. She lets me know when things are off.”

“I will always,” she said. “But you are hiding a secret, John. Even when you say that there shouldn’t be any more.”

“What’s my big secret?” he asked.

“You are sad.”

Her words broke something in him. The wall he’d put up over Riley’s death and confronting Jesse and finding out who he was came crashing down and he wondered how it had ever been put up in the first place. He dropped to his knees and didn’t attempt to hide his pain. He didn’t want to hide anything from her anyway. It had been a long time since he’d cried like this.

He couldn’t say he didn’t cry on a regular basis. Lots of horrible things happened to him and he wasn’t ashamed of that.

He started to gasp for breath and leaned his head against the brick wall.

Cameron dropped to her knees beside him, and put one hand on his arm. She seemed taken aback. She patted him awkwardly, as if unsure how to handle such a human, emotional scene. She probably didn’t, but he appreciated her trying. He was rational enough to see that.

There was a sound from in front of him and Sarah walked out onto the patio. She immediately knelt down beside him and put her arms around him. He clung to her. For one last time, John Connor needed the strength and security of his mother’s arms.

“What happened?” he heard her ask in a calm voice.

“He is sad.”

“I can see that. What were you talking about?”

“I think he is growing and it hurts. What they call growing pains. Riley’s death stretched him too far.”

Sarah didn’t say anything for a minute. 

“I’ve got him, Cameron, you can go.”

“No,” John said, blindly reaching out his hand and somehow grasping Cameron’s. “Stay, stay with me.”

“My mission is to stay with you always,” she said and squeezed his hand. 

John held onto his mother and Cameron and said goodbye to Riley and to John Baum and to anything else he might have wanted to keep but wasn’t allowed to.


End file.
